Romantic emotional love is a human yearning sought for by the youth, sometimes re-found in middle age, and by old age it is a warm blanket of lifelong friendship. Much of literature, art, poetry, music and our modern advertising world promote it as easily attainable and many spend much time on seeking someone to ignite inner passions, driven by previous experiences to get that shot of ecstasy again. When we’re young we’re driven biologically to seek sexual partners for innate reproductive goals, and as that drive wanes or after we have bred, the desire to feel those tingly feelings do not always disappear. Humans crave love. Despite previous mistakes or being hurt, we promise we’ll do it better next time or that now it will last, and so all too often, many rush hastily into relationships when they find a willing partner. The young hold the fairy tale wedding, or live together, often without any real knowledge of themselves or their partners. But as love promises such deep experience with life, we feel untouched by life if we don’t have love and so having it becomes a deep necessity.
Our behaviour is unpredictable when we fall in love, as there is a temporary loss of ego boundaries due to increases of brain chemicals. These are strong and can even play a role in jealousy murders, where one can even hurt their beloved in a passion rage. Love chemicals are so strong that it can cause depression. through the loss of serotonin and endorphins, if the object of our desire is no longer there.
Many of us have fallen for incorrect partners, followed lust or sought love while we were perhaps incapable or ready to give it. This is often based on ego and needs, of what we could get out and not what we could put into the relationship. It could have been a drive to end lonliness, a required ego boost, financial security, or just simply a need to fit into society because it’s a given that we should have a partner. When the hopeful dream is met we unconsciously create this emotional obsession and fall into the illusion that our beloved is perfect. But the fiction soon ends as time grinds away, and we discover that our lover is imperfect. Boom! The dream balloon is popped and we discover that our significant other is capable of anger, judgment, and hurting us.
We fall for the myth of romantic love because it’s an easy and convenient escape from reality but real love really begins when the butterflies have gone and we learn more about self- sacrifice, understanding that love is a verb, and not a noun that we fall into. This is why so many mistakenly hurt themselves in love and why for many, real love remains so elusive. We seek another to fulfill our unfulfilled selves, or we are biologically driven by lust to take a partner who does not match our innermost values. Some find someone to love so they don’t have to concentrate on themselves and this develops a dependency relationship, which unless well sustained, can invariably end in pain. After time, underneath the surface, our egos always return to the forefront, no longer veiled by the illusion of eternal romance and nagging truth appears, telling us that “this is not it.” Time has taken its toll in habitual routine and suddenly we don’t feel that love is about giving in to every plea of our beloved other, neither is it demanding that they give in to ours. Walking away from something that no longer serves you because original intentions were based on needs and not true love, requires self-love, courage and ability to take responsibility. It is also sometimes the most loving thing to do for two people involved in a mismatch.
Emotional maturity and conscious decision making, often requires pain to precede inner growth. There are many who are in relationships that no longer grow, or which are no longer satisfying, yet due to various needs, sometimes financial, or reasons both conscious or unconscious, they remain unhappy in a shell of a relationship because it is easier than facing their pain or failure. This is not to say that in relationship’s natural ebb and flow of ups and downs one should quit. But truly the relationships where love was built on the wrong reasons and both are hiding behind convenience as an excuse for love. Those strong enough to choose the best for both parties, in terms of spiritual growth will obviously experience some kind of temporary depression. But it can be a healthy place to bring about lasting changes in our lives that reap better future lives and choices.
So before you go falling into love for all the wrong reasons, be honest and ask yourself if you are in need or if you are genuinely interested in sharing your values and ethics through each other, growing two better people in the final outcome. And don’t let society or others dictate whether you should be in a relationship or not, for only you will know when you are ready. Good luck!