How To Vex The Only Person You Should Care About (me) Via The Medium Of Facebook Statuses4 min read

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William James Downing

How to vex the only person you should care about (me) via the medium of Facebook StatusesMark Fridayberg:

This guy’s statuses want to remind you that we now, for the first time in human history, live in a time where we look forward to weekends. Who knows what Mr Fridayberg is going to be doing – relaxing, having a drink, watching Football or X Factor, who bloody knows?! It is so exciting! What Mr Fridayberg has astutely picked up on here is that weekends are generally better than the working week. He then takes this gleeful revolution in approaches to time-management and laconically writes “TGIF”, “Friday!” or (when he is not his usual witty self)”Weekend at last!” Mind-blowing.

How to vex the only person you should care about (me) via the medium of Facebook StatusesSunita ‘Sunny’ Zuckerberg:

Oh Sunny, as well as having a Judeo-Islamic based name the odd thing about you is that, where most people use the weather as a generic conversation opener – the mention of something bleedingly obvious as to whether it is raining or not serving only as an ice-breaker – you have this belief that informing your friends about the weather outside your window and its effect on your mood is a good thing to do and will stimulate discussion on the clearly conversationally slow Facebook medium.


You silly sausage! You couldn’t be more wrong than if you were delivering a play-by-play account, with the disability of a wracking cough, of the growth in dust bunnies beneath your bed. I feel that you have missed a boon of the written word – that you have the time to produce something that stimulates on some emotional or knowledge-based level. (In saying that, most of these blog posts are hastily written out on a wave of one extreme emotion or another).

How to vex the only person you should care about (me) via the medium of Facebook Statuses

Ambiguity is like a horse

Maybe Mark:

“Angry”. Yes? Pray continue Maybe Mark… Oh, that’s, that’s it, is it? I suppose you are trying to elicit a response from me that feigns, in just a vapid vein, the same degree of an interest in you as you have in me. You are being ambiguous for attention, Maybe Mark. You are using the lowest form of attention seeking tactics: ambiguity is like a horse. I would dwell further on this, but I must dash off to the Naked Butcher Championships where I won awards for my meat last year. Angry.

How to vex the only person you should care about (me) via the medium of Facebook Statuses

Emos: Always wanting to take a slash

Mark Zuckerbangst:

This is the one that annoys me the most, despite it probably being the most stimulating of the examples given. Zuckerbangst thinks that the best way to a) show us how they are feeling b) yeah, like we care c) sound cultured. The best way to do this is to quote song lyrics. This ties in with my hatred of ambiguity in Facebook statuses and also with people who use Facebook to come across pretentious on purpose but without irony (Baudrillard apparently did this with his FB statuses whilst writing Forget Foucault… and of course whilst tweeting about how shagging identical twins is better than shagging just one).

Why have you put song lyrics in your status? What do they mean? Questions that, sorry mate, I am not going to ask you – even though you want the attention it seems. Oh, you did this from your Blackberry? My God(s)! But, but it’s so long! That toilet queue you were in with all your emo friends to take a slash must have been bloody vast.

How to vex the only person you should care about (me) via the medium of Facebook StatusesTan Mark:

Tan Mark is blameless, only human – like any of us, when he goes on holiday he wants to update us about how many days to go until the great escape and then, upon touching down in the grey drizzle at Heathrow, expresses his sadness that he is not still on hols. I would do the same. So essentially this is the most hypocritical of my vexes, however I have not been on holiday for almost a year, and even then it was for three days and there was no sun. The time before that was ten months before and, once again, a week of no sun followed by three months of depression.

Stain Zuckerberg:

I have run out of mildly comedic names and also reached a conclusion. The crux of my status updates gripe is more that they are not about me, than they are bland, unoriginal, sickeningly beige, generic. Yep, the problem here is definitely that they are not about me and not that they could have been automated… well, that and statuses that talk about a party that I wasn’t invited to.

How to vex the only person you should care about (me) via the medium of Facebook Statuses

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