William James Downing
Latest posts by William James Downing (see all)
- The Joys of Living in London – The Chuggers Bandwagon - July 21, 2017
- Bleeding Purple and Gold - May 26, 2017
- Foot-bahw Party Recipe – Now With 20% More Gonads - May 12, 2017
Serves an average of 12 people
Preparation = 7-14 days (somewhat passively)
Cooking = 4-10 hours
- At least one obnoxious American
- A handful of hot girls (if unavailable then average girls will suffice)
- A statistician and/or knowledgeable muthafucka
- Someone who is good at talking to the fuzz
- Several generic guys
- 72 pints of testosterone or machismo – if using a machismo substitute, such as ‘plenty of shouting’ make sure you balance this bitter flavour with enough soluble ‘drinking ability’
- Infinite supply of beer (although more than this if using average girls)
- Ton of Enthusiasm (raw)
- 2 Tsp Enthusiasm (artificial)
- Generous amount of Confusion
- Meat (something that doesn’t normally work solo, like sausage or chicken)
- Red cups, dice, cards, a jug – any drinking accoutrements deemed necessary/unnecessary
- A weirdo that doesn’t drink beer
- Barbecue sauce – not for eating, just for your baiche carpet and fate
- A small room with a balance of plastic and priceless furnishings
- Recommended (but not necessary): An American Football game on TV
- Take one tsp of enthusiasm (artificial) and a pound of enthusiasm (raw) and create a facebook event that officially circles around sport, but in fact you want to be folding in drinking accoutrements and beer.
- Leave for 6-13 days, almost like you have forgotten about it.
- Hours before adding generic guys, attractive girls and onbnoxious american, remember to buy beer and meat
- Take the obnoxious american (make sure that they have a name that would not be out of place in a daytime soap or as a bully), the generic guys, the statistician, the hot girls, the beer, a few hundred pounds of enthusiasm (raw) and the drinking games, and mix together in small room with hope of going to a bowl.
- Add more beer throughout cooking, even when it seems like there is too much being used and an increasing amount is being added to the small room’s furnishings and not mixing with obnoxious american, generic guys or hot girls (which are getting hotter as cooking progresses)
- Enthusiasm (raw) should be added more and more frequently throughout the event as well as machismo. N.B. Confusion is best added halfway through the night – but is also a natural by-product from any hot girl or generic guy that asks to read the ingredients for drinking games.
- The intensity of Obnoxious American will be increasing as it should be binding most ingredients together.
- Introduce meat at any, random point as generic guys, hot girls and obnoxious american will be demanding it – watch as half of it goes to waste.
- The weirdo that doesn’t drink beer and the person good at talking to the fuzz will both be added more than halfway through the night – the latter arriving just in time for their role.
- Add the barbecue sauce to any of the soft furnishings or cream carpet. This will leave a nasty taste in the event, but you will do it anyway because you, sir, are an arsehole.
- Throughout the recipe there should have been a slight presence of american football game on the TV, but make sure it does not overpower the crux of the event – beer, testosterone and drinking games.
- You should be left with devastation. Do not add obnoxious american, generic guys or hot girls to the consumption of the devastation, as they do not mix. Devastation is best left for just one person to deal with.
- Stupidly return to step 1 of Preparation Method – like you did not learn your lesson this time.
TOP TIP: For those that want to make the event extra memorable (or not, as the case may be) let off the contents of an entire smoke machine. Awesome.
TOP TIP: You may notice that a few of the generic guys and hot girls will be worse at drinking games than Abu Hamza is at… well… flip-cup. This is normal and not awesome.
TOP TIP: No