Trying to Date Whilst In A Serious Relationship With Anxiety

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Rebecca Poole

Latest posts by Rebecca Poole (see all)

New Year New Dating. After realising I am missing out on extra Christmas presents I am ready to timidly plunge toe first into the dating cesspit. I know this isn’t the attitude to have but to me dating is a painful experience. I have also just googled cesspit and one of the definitions is ‘a disgusting or corrupt place’, say no more!

Before a date I start out very casually, barley batting an eyelid at the thought of meeting a total stranger… water of a ducks back *shakes tail feathers*. But then, my mind starts to toy with what to wear and how I should have stopped eating a week ago pre date. Gradually the idea of him cancelling starts to creep gently into my mind, just peeking through the curtain. I haven’t heard from him in a while so decide to send him a quick pre-approved (by myself and the poor other souls who have to endure this tiresome task) selfie, I confidently ship it across to him and await his reply…..Two minutes later I check my phone and to my absolute horror see two blue ticks yet no response! Back into the picture I excavate, zooming into every inch, there isn’t a gap between my legs and they look huge *gasps* my arms have a shadow cast on them which makes them look enormous, my mind is racing, what can I do! Can I send another quickly to somehow reduce the force and neutralize this. Its fine, I then tell myself, I don’t care, I delete his feed and feel much better, he is out of my life for good. This bearing in mind is all within the space of perhaps 8 minutes, I have eradicated someone from my life who I have never met because he hasn’t responded to a message within my confidence plummeting time cut off!

I decide to go for a run and do something that makes me feel good. That is a lie actually. I probably go and eat something and think about a run and then spend an hour wailing about how obese I am getting, but let’s go with run. Phone flashes, – Looking Good J! I decide to not throw myself off a cliff after all and try on some outfits. Before me I see a hideous overgrown beast and then start to feel all of my confidence drain from my entire body, as the outfits get thrown to the floor I start to get hot and bothered and feel close to tears; I hate everything including myself! This is all before I’ve even met the bloody guy *sighs deeply*

I decide on the outfit which always turns out to look nothing like it did when I first tried it on. Angrily, I drag it on and start again wishing he would cancel. I mean what am I doing to myself!! I slather myself in make-up and start trying to gear myself up, a little pep talk, trying to buck up the confidence of this old filly. The meeting is almost upon us, the confidence has left the body and what now appears is an empty shell stuffed full of nervous chatter and profuse sweating. Who the hell sweats on a date, me, that’s who! Torrents of water flood from me not to dissimilar to when the spring comes to melt the ice and snow in countries plagued with sub-zero temperatures! We meet, I take endless trips to the bathroom to try and stem the flow of the sweat and talk myself down from a high plain of anxiety. I decide to cover my anxious sweaty tracks by plying myself with booze, with each gulp I hope to rouse my confidence from its grave, performing CPR with each mouthful! The effect of this is always detrimental not only to myself but to everyone around me and never ends well, apart from when the other person is in the same state and doesn’t remember *performs a lonely, single Mexican wave*!

On one of my previous dates with someone who was a hard catch I had managed to get myself to a good point and then we came to the clinching date where he took me to his favourite little French restaurant. It was here that I collapsed into a table, showering the guests with profanities and then proceeded to release every single one of my deepest insecurities into the stratosphere. He actually told me after the date he needed 24 hours! And then when we finally spoke again he said he had had to tell the taxi driver I had cerebral palsy so he would let me in the car! I mean that will be an insult in itself to any sufferer!

So this complete joy of a journey is why I would rather be single! I am looking forward to approaching the dating game differently (as you can probably imagine) I will be slightly more confident now ans I have more direction in my life. I think that was the previous issue. Well… that and cripplingly low self-esteem! Believe it or not I met my last boyfriend through a shared love of tennis and this stood us in good stead; well until I realised that was all we had in common and had to finish things. So I will look to meet people through shared interest, I am holding out hope for a good kind man, tall obvs! No more negative thinking that men are all pigs and I will never find anyone. Because although some men can be pigs, I still believe in the ones who might fly!

-Update- The Previous French restaurant guy attempted to get in touch again via adding me on LinkedIn. This should tell me how un serious he is in itself *bashes head against wall* Anyway I have already deleted his message feed and number due to him still not being serious! Two can play at that game, although aren’t my game days over *looks into empty fuel tank* We shall see! – To be continued…

 

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